Ms. Cool.

Oh to be super cool and composed.  To not allow my emotions to betray me.  

Alas.

I am a person who's every emotion shows on her face.  I do not have a poker face. In a game of poker, I have a full house face and a flush face, and a face for whatever it's called when your cards are no good.  Yesterday one of my friends was talking about how hard it is to be vulnerable and I said, "Unless you're me.  Then you just fly your blimp over the city with today's specials and a big sign that says LOVE ME!"

Yesterday, I was frustrated with Tad.  As you might know if you've read this blog before... Tad and I are on quite different ends of the introvert/extrovert spectrum...

And so I am constantly happy to be surrounded by him (and anyone else that haps by), whilst occasionally, he simply needs some time to be inward, alone and quiet.  So I find myself in the position of being in the same house with someone who isn't totally available to me.  When this happens, I think to myself: I got this. I can do my own thing. Leave him alone. No problem.  Picture me here wearing sunglasses and a beret, walking around snapping my fingers totally nonchalantly. It's cool. It's casual.  Whatevs.  

And yet.

He walks past me and I want to scream: PAY ATTENTION TO ME! Yeah, I'm just an open faced sandwich and that's all there is too it.  Look at me... a melty, gooey mess of cheese and pickles and a grand desire to be loved that I can't really hide.  

So, I went to pick the kids up from school and I saw Tad out of the corner of my eye on the playground.  And I thought, I'm just going to ignore him.  So I walked past and didn't look his way. Though I could see him approaching out the corner of my eye.

"Hey Ms. Cool." He said.

Dammit.

He hugged me and he acknowledged, in the words only Tad can, that he's been a bit absent.  So I hugged him back, went out to the car with the kids and quickly pulled the two page note I'd written him off his car seat.  We'd talk about all that later.

Yeah. I'm not cool. But that's okay.  I think I'd rather be a blimp-flying-open-faced sandwich and ME than try to be something I'm not.

This is me, trying to take a selfie with Poseidon. Decidedly uncool.

What we believe...

I know we all believe in different things, beings, spirits.

But maybe if you look closer, we all believe in the same things.

I don't have a religion, but I have faith. I don't have a church but I have spirituality.  I believe in a higher power some call God, some call Gods and Goddesses, some call self, some call the Universe, Divine Creation, all those names, all those things.

I believe in kindness.

I believe in love.

I believe in the existence of an energy all around us that is far more than what we can see and touch with our hands and our mouths, more than what we can taste and smell and even see with our eyes in our heads or our brains' sensations of the world around.

Sometimes I ask for things, as I used to ask God when I was a catholic girl on my knees, my red bedroom carpet, burning under my skin.  Sometimes I don't ask but somehow ask anyway through frustration or anger or plain old joyfulness.  Sometimes I see someone passing by and I think I know what they need and try to give it.   The Universe seems to hear me and give me what I need. Even if it's something I don't want.

I guess all I'm saying is that I can sort of feel the world turning right now. And for those of you that believe in this sort of thing, Mercury is about to change directions and really zip us around the other way.  But that's okay.  I'm trying to be ready for it, meditating... I picture myself floating in space, running on Mercury like a log rolling contest. And when it changes directions, I'll be on top and just go with it...not get rolled over.

I'm ready.

I believe in me.

The world is coming alive again and I am feeling the buzz of it around me. The presence of all that we can't see.

I believe in so much I can't put words to...and I think...so do you.  So do you.