Everything and nothing

Fall is setting in.  This means a big schedule change in our household and in households everywhere.  It means going to bed and waking up earlier. It means less time with my family. It means ramping up for new programs at work, the school year starting, lunches to pack.  It means being tired at night. 

And right now though my body is drooping by 8:00 at night, my brain is going a million miles an hour.

I want to do so many things.

I want to finish this novel I'm trying to write
I want to start working again on my sewing projects
I want to play my guitar and write a new song
I want to sign up for another hula hoop class
I want to make some travel plans for the upcoming years
I want to BE CREATIVE
I WANT TO BE ALIVE!!

But by the time my kids are finally sleeping and everything is finally organized, what do I do? I watch the end of the Brewer Game while I look at Facebook and then turn on Conan O'Brien.  It's hard to be ALIVE all the time.  Sometimes I just want to be alive, breathing, zoning out. 

And then I'm just mad at myself for wasting the night away.  But is it really wasted time?  I tell myself, Well Alie, Gosh! You're a mom, a mom with a full time job besides and it's just a busy time of year.  This is LIFE! 

Which of course brings me to the age old question...what IS life? 
I mean, I think about the animal kingdom.  They just go through day by day, doing the same things.  Eating, sleeping, raising their babies and sending them on their way.  Trying to survive as long as they can.  I guess that's part of what humans do! 
And humans like me with full time jobs and full time kids and house with a mortgage and bills to pay...sometimes want to watch Conan, read the next chapter of their book and fall asleep.
But I only have roughly 50-60 more years on this planet and in addition to surviving as long as I can, I want to write a book, perform on stage, raise my kids, do good work, travel the world some more....  

It's a funny balance, isn't it?  Some living mixed in with some LIVING.  And I'm just trying to mix it right.