Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Awkwardness Alternatives

So, I can be kind of awkward.  I can't really do small talk. I don't like idle chit chat at all.  I mean, what do you say?  And every time I find myself in a situation where I don't know someone that well, my awkward feelings grow enormously and I can't wait for it to be over. 
Once I arrived early to a party thing where I was meeting my sister and I hid in the bathroom until she texted:
Where are you?
So I wouldn't have to feel awkward just standing around not talking to people  Of course, when I emerged from the one stall bathroom to find several people waiting, I did feel a little awkward then.
Today, TWICE I found myself in this situation. Once with my intern. I'd asked her if she wanted to join us for lunch but I don't know her that well.  We got there before everyone and I was painfully aware of the fact that I 1. couldn't think of anything interesting to say to her and 2. once people I knew got there, she would see my weirdness change immediately into entertainingness.  And then again when I walked into work with a coworker and we silently walked towards the place where we would finally part when he went down towards his office and I, thankfully, toward my cubicle.  He mentioned the weather.  I responded with more weather.  But HONESTLY! Who cares about the weather? Why do we ALWAYS talk about the weather when we don't know each other. I mean for christsakes! We all have been outside. We KNOW about the weather. 
So I have come up with this list of TEN things I could say when I'm quietly and awkwardly sitting or walking beside someone I don't know very well.  Are you as awkward as I am?  You can try it too!
1.  I was thinking, I would be a horrible referee!  People would argue with me and I'd be like "I'M SORRY! DON'T BE MAD AT ME. You ALL WIN!!!!!"  How would you be as a referee?
2. I think it's funny how everyone says you should 'stop and smell the roses'. What are you supposed to smell in the winter?  What do you stop and smell?  Could you stop and smell the melons?  Melons don't really have a smell unless they're getting rotten.  You could stop and smell the air vent outside the bakery.  You can smell those in the winter.
3. Have you ever eaten and under ripe banana? What about an overripe one? If you could only eat under ripe and overripe bananas forever, which would you choose?
4. So, I have the Punky Brewster theme song in my head.  I can sing it to you. 
(then start singing )  This one, of course, runs the risk of things getting even more awkward, but you could pick a TV theme song that you think that the person with whom you are sitting, talking or walking would like... This also might save you from future time alone together.
5.  Knock knock.  (they would say, hopefully "who's there") and you would say Banana (followed by them saying "Banana who?) Knock knock (who's there) banana (banana who) and you could keep doing this until you get to your destination or other people show up. Then when you do you can say one last time Knock knock! (and they would say who's there) and you would say ORANGE! (and they would be so relieved and say "Orange who?") and you would say "Aren't you glad I didn't say banana?  And then you could laugh hysterically and like number 4, they would probably try not to be stuck alone with you anymore which would solve the problem.
6. If you could freeze time, for one hour, what would you get done during that hour RIGHT NOW?
7. Wouldn't it be funny if it were raining asparagus stalks right now?  If they make a face, or don't answer, then you could say, what do think it would be funnier if it were raining?
8. Oooh, is there a vote today? Shoot! What time do the polls close?  Who are you voting for?
9. I had a dream last night that (fill in name of coworker here) fell and broke his leg, but that the SAME coworker was also the only one there to get help!  Wouldn't that be strange?  I mean, how long would you be stuck on that before you actually went and called for help?
10. Also, you could just trip and fall down on purpose. Then you could spend the rest of your time either laughing, or convincing them you're okay, or having a much more adequate reason to feel awkward. 

1 comment:

  1. “Have you ever eaten and under ripe banana? What about an overripe one? If you could only eat under ripe and overripe bananas forever, which would you choose?”

    OK – actually, this is NOT a bad conversation starter. I think everyone has opinions on bananas. For instance, I will not eat a banana once it starts to get any of those brown freckle spots – not that I’m a freckle hater – I just think the banana is too squishy and sweet by that point. BUT, if the banana is too under ripe, then it’s hard to peel and it tastes bitter. There is a “just right” point where the banana is a slightly green on the ends and yellow in the middle.

    Ummm...have I mentioned that I’m also socially awkward and tend to babble inanely?