So technically, it was a two insult day. One insult yesterday and two today but triple sounds better in the title, don't you think? And to be fair, none of these things were true insults. Mostly observations. But....well....you'll see.
Yesterday I went to the doctor. I have been putting off going to the doctor because our insurance changed and now I have to pay full price anytime a doctor checks out something that is wrong with me until I reach our deductible... So I was pretending nothing was wrong with me. But finally, there were two things wrong with me and that seemed silly to ignore, so I went.
Before I get to the insult, I don't have too much wrong with me. Just canker sores in my mouth which are making life uncomfortable and a terrible rash where my wedding ring once was that is getting worse and worse. I got a cream for my rash and some mouth rinse and I'm feeling better already today.
But the receptionist, who was very nice and billed my visit as an annual check up so they wouldn't charge me big, was the person who doled out insult number one, though she didn't mean to. I had been in Whole Foods and I ate a cup of chicken noodle soup right before I headed up to the doctor. When I sat down to be checked in, she said, "Why sweetie! You smell like a honey ham!"
A honey ham!
I don't know about you, but I'm not sure a ham is the scent I want to be emitting. Lilacs, sure! A summer's breeze. Wait. Is that a douche? If it is, that's not what I'm going for either. But you know, cinnamon, chocolate chip cookies even. But a HAM? I mean, who wants to smell like a ham! "Sweetie!" She went on, probably reading the badly masked alarm on my face. "It's a good thing. You smell like the holidays!"
"Well" I said, probably trying to hide a smirk at this point (I certainly don't want to smell like a ham but I was pretty excited about how funny this would be to tell people) "I did just eat some soup in the deli at Whole Foods."
"Oh" She said smiling "I love that place.
Grateful to be on a subject other than than my ham smell, I bid her adieu and went to sit in the waiting room.
Today, insults two and three came from my children. I came home with a new haircut.
"Mommy!" Lucy said coming into the kitchen. "What happened to you!"
"Whoah." said Coen. "Your hair!"
"Well, it won't look like this when I do it myself!" I said. (Doing it myself will be taking a shower tomorrow and not even combing it after, quite the opposite of salon style)
"Why does it look like THAT?" Coen said.
I laughed, shrugging, and went into the living room.
"I'm not trying to be mean" Lucy said "But you'd probably look better with that hair if you had brown skin."
I laughed. "Thank you." I said.
"Mommy!" Lucy said. "Why did you say thank you?"
"I'm just glad you told me how you feel!" I said.
The final insult came, after smelling like ham and what happened to your hair, when I was leaning over after reading to Coen. I was wearing a loose fitting t-shirt and no bra (sorry for the TMI but it is necessary to the story).
"Mom!" Coen exclaimed. "You look like you have a cow butt."
There. I'll just leave you with that. I will just leave you to think about that one. I know I am.