Duality

I'm a Gemini.  For those of you who believe in astrology, that means I have two sides of my personality.  I have the loud, obnoxiously cheerful, outgoing side which is the side I show as soon as I'm comfortable. So that means everyone who loves me knows that side. Anyone who works with me knows that side.  It's my favorite side.

My other side comes out when I'm in a new situation or at a place where I don't know anyone.  I'm a little shy.  Unsure.  I'm not a fan of this side and she's hanging around this conference I'm at in New Jersey.

As you can see, these two sides are not all that different.  And they can become each other and back again on a dime. I suppose everyone has these two characters in their lives in some respects.  I'm just more a fan of being the one on the left.

So, I'm at this conference and I don't know anyone. And it's put on by Planned Parenthood and it seems like most people really know each other from work or from these conferences or the field in general.  This morning when I was heading into the conference center, the strap on my bag broke and my bag flew to the ground--condoms, lube, pamphlets on sex flying everywhere. I would have been embarrassed about the contents if I weren't at a sexuality education conference!  I was just sort of feeling like a big dork.  So many of these people seem so put together with their business suits and high heeled boots.  Here's me in my orange and purple clothes dropping my stuff everywhere.

But then in my first breakout session of the day, the woman running it, unbeknownst to her, had a button undone on her blouse.  I'm sure she would have been mortified if she knew everyone could see a good portion of  her midriff.  And I got to thinking.  We're all just people, aren't we?  Cool is really a state of mind.  If I feel cool, I am cool. If I feel like an insecure intruder. Then I am.

So I said to myself, I said, "Alie. You are a person just like everyone else here. You are you.  You wouldn't be you if you were wearing black business pants and a blazer.  You wouldn't be you if you had on lipstick. You wouldn't be you if you didn't drop something all over the floor and be able to laugh about it." 

So I laughed.  And later, when I knocked a water bottle across the room with the broken strap from my bag. I laughed again.

And I'm going now to enjoy a dinner by myself with both my sides, reading my novel, and ordering dessert at the end of the meal.