Sunday, June 3, 2012

Blogging at 1:00 am. This can't be good.

There's been a lot of talk lately about how people get annoyed because I always talk about how great my life is, my husband is, my kids are...  It makes them feel like my life is perfect and there's something wrong with theirs.   So, here I am, up blogging at almost 1 am because I am annoyed with my husband and he's annoyed with me. 

So here's the negative stuff. so that you know I am normal.  I have great days but i have bad days too. bad, crappy, rotten, can't dig out of it days.

I am getting my period and it feels like I have a large chemical imbalance, akin to mental illness. I am depressed. I feel like I will never feel better. I keep snapping at my kids and I have no interest in anything.
Tad is coming down from his big Montessori everything.
Tonight, I was annoyed because I gave him tasks to do.  and he did them.  but really i just wanted to connect together.  see how he can't win?  we haven't connected since May 21st.  really connected. That was our anniversary.
So we had a fight.
And it wasn't a big one and we ended it amicably enough, but certainly no closer to being connected.
And I went to bed to read. and tad stayed up to "unwind"  by watching TV.
And in our house, you can see the person on the couch from our bed.  but when I got up to get a drink of water, I saw that Tad had moved a chair and was sitting in it, watching TV. so we couldn't see each other.  That made me inexplicably and endlessly sad. And because I have chemically imbalanced pms right now, i was sure that this was a sign that things were really. really. bad.

Eventually I fell asleep and when I woke up again it was 12:30.  And tad was not in bed yet.  and I got mad all over again because, he finally was semi-catching up on sleep (all the sleep he'd lost during his study process...and he's been unable to keep his eyes open at the end of every night since his exams last week and tonight would have been our chance to be alert and awake together but I blew it with my wifely naggings, and bad mood and insistence on things that perhaps are not as important as I thought they might have been.  And now he'll just be exhausted again tomorrow night.  And Tuesday night he's going to the Brewer game and will be up late once again.  It feel like there's no end in sight of our disconnect. I got up and asked him if he was coming to bed. He was. And now he's sleeping and I am awake. Because pulsing through my veins is the kind of irrational rage that you get when you mix being up too late, being overwrought and getting one's period.

So there you go.  I'm being real. Tad's been saying in response to those complaints I mentioned that maybe I should be more real.  But in my defense, it's not that I haven't been real up til now. I just mostly talk about good things.  That's what this blog is about--the funny, amusing, good things that you can find in each day if you look.  But tonight , I'm sharing a down of marriage. and we all have them.  Marriage goes along with all kinds up ups--wonderful moments, shared joy, laughter.  But it also has downs--those downs that leave you frustrated and annoyed, disconnected and lonely.

That's where I am.  At 1:30 a.m. on a Sunday night.

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